Why? Can't I just use a blog as a notebook of sorts, like a scrapbook of whatever is on my mind at the moment?
"Why the hell would you want to do THAT? Who is your audience?? Who are you targeting to read it? Huh?"
Audience? Gee, I don't care. Maybe no one. And... that's a problem, why?
"Because it's going to be IN THE WORLD! It needs PURPOSE!"
Every person I see wondering the street is out in the world, yet they don't have a singular purpose, they have diverse interests and entangled lives - be it with children or work. If people were actually blogs, they would be a little of this and a little of that...
"Nooooo! You DON'T get it!!!!"
Actually I do, I just like frustrating him. He takes EVERYTHING too seriously.
But why DID I create this blog? To be honest, I'm not sure. I seem to live many lives constantly and sometimes I want to jot remembrances down - unleash a creative spark on the keyboard when an urge hits, purpose be damned.
Why put such idiosyncratic banal trivia out there in the world like tighty-whities on a clothesline? I'm not sure. Maybe because I have AvPD* (you can look it up, I'll be here) and I live most of my life online anyway. Like the man from OZ, I can pull the levers from here and you out there only see what I let you see. I remain invisible. Well, in theory anyway - In truth I am revealing more than I ever would if we sat and shared a beer together.
Maybe, because of that truth, this will turn on me - perhaps, if I gather enough readers, I may change my feelings about the entire mess and pull this 'Emperor's New Clothes' of a blog down out of embarrassment or fear. I just don't know. Call it a personal social experiment within my own universe.
The Blog title. Catchy but not completely true. Yes, I am an artist. Yes there is a muse and yes, she has lost much power with me, but no, she is not completely dead. I don't think she will ever be fully buried and pushing up roses in my overgrown garden past. Once a muse, always a muse possibly. Proof in point, I named this blog with her in mind. An undeniably 'dead' muse would not be thought about at all - dead or otherwise. Even the stark minimalism of this layout is her doing, she is speaking through my subconscious. I know it is her, as I prefer loud clutter in a web log. The muse knows who she is, and without revealing too much about her life (even a dead muse deserves some privacy), in time you will come to know her as well. We are currently estranged but she continues to inspire - through the emotional unrest with the upheaval of our relationship - I am being creative. She has been intertwined in my life to some degree for a very long time now. Perhaps with this estrangement my relationship with the muse has changed to the point of no return, I don't know, but we (you and I dear reader) will find out together as the weeks and months play out. Yes, I will catch you up on that story at some point.
(Update: My Swedish muse officially died a few days ago. Her ability to creatively inspire me in even the smallest sense suddenly fizzed and our once fluid connection hardened like gristle in a Tijuana hamburger. Even the afterglow of creative energy is now nothing more than a sunburn that's currently peeling with the vigor of latex paint on the hull of a battleship. I buried her in that overgrown garden of my past today. RIP)
They say 'follow your instincts' but that really does not work with AvPD!! But for the purpose of this blog I will allow my instants to dictate and post what I feel like posting. But there will be a thread of continuity; the AvPD, and my adventures in spite of it. I have worked hard to find ways to cope and endure, and I have accomplished much despite the handicap of this paradox of a condition. At the same time, I don't plan to make this into a banner for AvPD, it will just be an under-current for this confessional/as-I-please experiment in web log form. Throw into the mix my life as a working artist and I think we have a blog folks. There, I now have "purpose" for this (that should keep my geek friend from going postal the next time we meet). Consequently I will share with you, the reader, the full story of my dead muse… and a lot of other equally useless things along the way. There is a void of blogs written by the AvPD inflicted that don't only focus on the condition itself, so it is I now put this blog into the world. Maybe I will inspire the others.
'The not-so-personal blog of an artist who is straddled with both AvPD and a dead muse.'
Yea, works for me.
Like a ship after a christening, I now set this afloat. It is in hands of my dead muse now. Let's just hope it's not a death grip.
So then-
WELCOME TO 'MY DEAD MUSE'
*AvPD - Anxious (Avoidant) Personality Disorder - a condition characterized by extreme shyness, feelings of inadequacy, and strong anxiety to outside stimuli. People who suffer from AvPD tend to isolate themselves from all social situations. They are often described as 'lonely loners'.
"The burden of being alone is better than the pain of living in a world of strangers" - C. Thompson
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