What IS the purpose of My Dead Muse?

"A blog MUST have purpose!" My geek friend scolded.
Why? Can't I just use a blog as a notebook of sorts, like a scrapbook of whatever is on my mind at the moment?
"Why the hell would you want to do THAT? Who is your audience?? Who are you targeting to read it? Huh?"
Audience? Gee, I don't care. Maybe no one. And... that's a problem, why? 
"Because it's going to be IN THE WORLD! It needs PURPOSE!"
Every person I see wondering the street is out in the world, yet they don't have a singular purpose, they have diverse interests and entangled lives - be it with children or work. If people were actually blogs, they would be a little of this and a little of that...
"Nooooo! You DON'T get it!!!!"

Actually I do, I just like frustrating him. He takes EVERYTHING too seriously.
But why DID I create this blog? To be honest, I'm not sure. I seem to live many lives constantly and sometimes I want to jot remembrances down - unleash a creative spark on the keyboard when an urge hits, purpose be damned. 
Why put such idiosyncratic banal trivia out there in the world like tighty-whities on a clothesline? I'm not sure. Maybe because I have AvPD* (you can look it up, I'll be here) and I live most of my life online anyway. Like the man from OZ, I can pull the levers from here and you out there only see what I let you see. I remain invisible. Well, in theory anyway - In truth I am revealing more than I ever would if we sat and shared a beer together.
Maybe, because of that truth, this will turn on me - perhaps, if I gather enough readers, I may change my feelings about the entire mess and pull this 'Emperor's New Clothes' of a blog down out of embarrassment or fear. I just don't know. Call it a personal social experiment within my own universe.

The Blog title. Catchy but not completely true. Yes, I am an artist. Yes there is a muse and yes, she has lost much power with me, but no, she is not completely dead. I don't think she will ever be fully buried and pushing up roses in my overgrown garden past. Once a muse, always a muse possibly. Proof in point, I named this blog with her in mind. An undeniably 'dead' muse would not be thought about at all - dead or otherwise. Even the stark minimalism of this layout is her doing, she is speaking through my subconscious. I know it is her, as I prefer loud clutter in a web log. The muse knows who she is, and without revealing too much about her life (even a dead muse deserves some privacy), in time you will come to know her as well. We are currently estranged but she continues to inspire - through the emotional unrest with the upheaval of our relationship - I am being creative. She has been intertwined in my life to some degree for a very long time now. Perhaps with this estrangement my relationship with the muse has changed to the point of no return, I don't know, but we (you and I dear reader) will find out together as the weeks and months play out. Yes, I will catch you up on that story at some point.

(Update:  My Swedish muse officially died a few days ago. Her ability to creatively inspire me in even the smallest sense suddenly fizzed and our once fluid connection hardened like gristle in a Tijuana hamburger. Even the afterglow of creative energy is now nothing more than a sunburn that's currently peeling with the vigor of latex paint on the hull of a battleship. I buried her in that overgrown garden of my past today. RIP)
 
They say 'follow your instincts' but that really does not work with AvPD!! But for the purpose of this blog I will allow my instants to dictate and post what I feel like posting. But there will be a thread of continuity; the AvPD, and my adventures in spite of it. I have worked hard to find ways to cope and endure, and I have accomplished much despite the handicap of this paradox of a condition. At the same time, I don't plan to make this into a banner for AvPD, it will just be an under-current for this confessional/as-I-please experiment in web log form. 
Throw into the mix my life as a working artist and I think we have a blog folks. There, I now have "purpose" for this (that should keep my geek friend from going postal the next time we meet). Consequently I will share with you, the reader, the full story of my dead muse… and a lot of other equally useless things along the way. There is a void of blogs written by the AvPD inflicted that don't only focus on the condition itself, so it is I now put this blog into the world. Maybe I will inspire the others. 

'The not-so-personal blog of an artist who is straddled with both AvPD and a dead muse.'
Yea, works for me.

Like a ship after a christening, I now set this afloat. It is in hands of my dead muse now. Let's just hope it's not a death grip.

So then-                                  

WELCOME TO 'MY DEAD MUSE'

 -R. K. Marshall

*AvPD - Anxious (Avoidant) Personality Disorder - a condition characterized by extreme shyness, feelings of inadequacy, and strong anxiety to outside stimuli. People who suffer from AvPD tend to isolate themselves from all social situations. They are often described as 'lonely loners'.  

"The burden of being alone is better than the pain of living in a world of strangers" - C. Thompson

My Dead Muse, a Grilled Quail Recipe and a three hour trip to 'GAUGUINS ISLAND'

Or, how a vanilla spice blend and a mug of grog can take the edge off a very bad day...

With my muse now dead, summer taking its final bow, and a tax bill bigger than my zip code and phone number combined, I feel like pulling a geographic. Fleeing. Gone daddy-o. I want to become more than just a simple runaway from a bloated right thumb of a state, I want to be a fugitive from the whole red-white-and-blue, no-money-down, fast-food-fads, status-over-substance, if-it's-sweet-fry-it American-dream thing.

Flee to an island oasis somewhere. Pull a true Gauguin and live among tanned topless beauties with unpronounceable names. Chase down wild spotted shore goats, indulge in tough gamey meat and soft bitter papayas. Spend my days painting the lush green paradise that is an exact opposite of my here and now.
Yes, that is what I want to do. But, with my muse now dead, the canvas here sits blank. A blank canvas means no income and no income means no method to flee and on and on it goes. But I do have a short term answer...Three simple words...

Rum, vanilla and quail. I'll put some Martin Denny on the iPod, pour a serious 'Ball-less Monkey' (with a twist of lime), and make myself a tropical spiced tiny bird feast. And in that meal I will travel to Gauguins island in both mind and taste, forgetting my 'apple-pie' woes for a few hours. 

The rum was a gift from a client, the quail an impulse buy (from a misguided trip to the local Pilipino market in search of crispy Patas), the vanilla spice seasoning a personal creative experiment with a damn happy outcome.

Lately I've been on a spice kick. I've taken to mixing my own rubs, seasonings, and marinates. I have jars and jars of personal blends; some are romantic like a Goya, some are bitter with realism like a Vemeer, some are abstract by design like a Matisse, and some simply push the boundaries like a Duchamp. 

But the jar I reach for now, my Vanilla Spice blend, is pure Gauguin. It reeks of vanilla orchids and rich tropical cumin with a hint of paprika peering though like reflective eyes in the black jungle night.

It was a bold move, using powdered vanilla in a spice blend, but it was also conjured in the time of the muse. She guided the boldness (all I dare combine now is salt and pepper, damn my muse for dying). 
Don't be frightened by the Vanilla, it synergies with the cumin to create a unique flavor that is so exotic, it can not easily be recalled, yet the mind - through swaying taste buds - will find its way to a tropical paradise of forgotten islands.

Gab a bunch of prepped quail, mix a batch of spice and fire up the grill (although this works best with the gaminess of small wild/unconventional fowl, I suppose a fat lazy city chicken will do in a pinch).

THE SPICE MIX (makes a normal spice jars worth):
3 TBS Vanilla Powder
1 1/2 TBS Ground Cumin
1 TBS Granulated Garlic (not salt or powder)
1 TBS Granulated Onion (not salt or powder)
1 TBS Celery Salt + 1 tsp white salt
1 TBS Paprika

THE MARINATE: 
1 1/2 TBS Vanilla Spice Mix
2 TBS Apple Juice 
1 TBS White Wine Vinegar

Place the marinate in a zip-lock bag along with 6 quail (or 4 skinless boneless chicken thighs if you insist) and let it sit in the refrigerator 4 to 12 hours. Grill over indirect heat and finish with a quick kiss of flame.

So that my friends, is a quick get-away gift from this shore-locked muse-less artist to all those in need of a quick trip to Gauguin's island (there is no Mary Ann but the Ginger grows wild). Don't forget the rum and sunscreen and send me a card when you get a chance.

HOW TO PROCRASTINATE LIKE AN ARTIST

Procrastination is a strange bed-mate, we want it here for a good roll but we wish it would leave in the morning. Or do we? Every artist has his own arsenal of procrastination techniques. I figured, what-the-hell, I may as well share my six favorite procrastination methods for all the young aspiring artists out there. Now, don't put off reading this, It could save you from working too damn hard.

My mornings never start off with the set goal of getting so little achieved each day, it just ends up that way. Don’t get me wrong, I keep so busy that the day passes to the point I often forget to eat lunch. Like all prizewinning procrastinators, I spend my time toiling with low priority crap and leave the important art and client jobs to gather dust. I blame my dead muse. Which brings me to ‘how to’ number one:

1- LOSE YOUR MUSE -
Nothing keeps procrastination from the art door like a muse. To call a muse a source of inspiration is an understatement, she is inspiration on meth-laced steroids with a powerful line of sparkling white cocaine thrown in for a euphoric kick. Under the spell of a muse, sleep is a waste of time and creative ideas actually come too fast - furiously fed by a need to start (and finish!) every single one with the hyper-enthusiasm of a kid on Christmas morning.
Now lose that muse. Zip - gone. The speedy high goes from a supersonic jet engine to a one-legged toddler on a tricycle. The creative drive grinds to a jarring halt. Christmas sucks. Procrastination moves in, drinks all your beer, and walks around in its underwear all day.

I currently have projects screaming at me from every corner of the room, some due in weeks - some due in days - and one I was suppose to have done tonight. But here I sit typing ‘how to throw it all away by procrastinating’ for the benefit of? who? Anybody out there? I feel like a disk-jockey at a soft-60’s-AM-rock radio station at three in the morning, sending out a weak signal that only one lone fishing shack in the middle of Alaska is tuned into. But that poor listener has no choice - the dial broke off his radio years ago and he’s stuck with either me or the sound of ice cracking under his feet. Which brings us to number two:

2 - START A BLOG -
This is an EXCELLENT procrastination tool! Tip one - keep the subject so vague no one will ever find it in the search engines. You don’t want a following! People depending on your posts will only put more pressure on you and cause you to procrastinate from writing on it. If that happens, you will be forced to do one of the projects that brought you to your blog in the first place. Tip two - If you get tired of writing vapid trite like this, you can always spend a few hours fooling with the HTML CSS coding (like I did today).

Now that I look around, I see stacks of reference pulled for new projects and stacks of reference pulled for projects so old I can’t remember who or what each stack is for. But the urge to start a new reference stack is quite strong now (then I can put-off making dinner). I also have six emails nagging me every time I turn on the computer - they are from Galleries and Art Spaces planning Christmas exhibits - all wanting a piece for their show. I think I will randomly pick an email and start gathering reference for it. That will jump us into three:

3 - MAKE ANOTHER DEADLINE YOU CAN’T POSSIBILITY MEET -
The star of all artist procrastination tools. Add more to your plate! Nothing stirs up 'procrastination passion' like more "need-to-do" crap you can never possibly get to!

Now, I have an advantage, I suffer from AvPD and that makes me fear failure and the same time expect - no, I demand I fail (I know, I know). AvPD people procrastinate as if it were a category in the world Olympics. We are beyond champions in this arena. As an AvPD artist who is stuck in his studio like a prisoner on lock-up, this next one is one of my favorite procrastination devices, but it will work beautifully for you too. I offer you number four:

4 - CHAT APPS THAT COMMUNICATE WITH OTHER COUNTRIES -
Get a smart phone and load it up with foreign ‘chat apps’ and talk to girls in EVERY Country on earth. The further the Time Zone change, the better. Now get dependent on talking to each of them everyday (and night), each at a different time. Get on their time schedule. Your own world will now be turned upside-down to such a degree, you won’t even remember you have jobs due in a few days, let alone what day it actually is!

Speaking of... Japan is calling at this moment. I could finish this list now but I rather waste my time talking to a pretty stranger through a translation app. I’ll finish this post later..... yea, hold your breath out there lone Alaskan fisherman.